Getting Pissy

By: Kimberley Denny

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Have you ever gone to someone’s house and, upon entry to the restroom, found that they’ve peed all over their toilet seat? Me neither. So why in the hell do people piss all over toilet seats and bathroom floors in public restrooms? Really, why?

 

I’d think that by the age of four we’ve all memorized that little nursery rhyme, “If you sprinkle when you tinkle please be neat and wipe the seat.” That’s one of the golden rules. It’s not the golden shower rule.

 

This has always been a pet peeve of mine, but even more so now that I work in bars and see it more frequently in unisex bathrooms. For some reason there are men who do not feel the need to lift the seat before they relieve themselves. They don’t even feel the need to hit the bowl.

 

But I’m not reserving all the blame for men. In fact, I think women can be even nastier. There has been many a toilet seat in the ladies room that requires a wipe-down. I don’t get it. Just line it, ladies!

 

What makes you think the next person should have to clean up after your mess? That’s a very nauseating job, and I don’t have the thigh strength or balance required to hover, especially while wearing heels or after a few drinks. I tried once, lost my balance, and yeah, landed bare-skinned on some stranger’s sweet relief. Never again, I tell you. NEVER AGAIN. There’s not a hot shower long enough to make you feel clean after that.

 

Oh wait, there was that one other time I hovered and got distracted by someone in the stall next to me. Trying to keep my balance by holding on to the toilet paper dispenser, I noticed a girl on her hands and knees praying to the porcelain god. Wow, so glad that’s not me, that’s so nasty, these were the thoughts going through my mind. Until I realized that I had been so relieved not to be the one puking that I actually relieved myself on my own shorts. Not pretty.

 

So yeah, after that, NEVER AGAIN. That’s one resolution in life I’ve kept. I implore you to make it your resolution too.

 

And if I see you leave a public restroom without washing your hands, I’m going to point you out to my friends. Cause hey, that’s just the kinda bitch I am.

 

One other thing I don’t get: sex in bathrooms. With all the germs and smells and sticky floors…where’s the turn on? Especially for those inclined to check “Mile High Club” off their bucket list. Have you ever in your life been in a pleasant airplane bathroom? And now you want to get busy in there? There’s nothing hot about that. Oh right, but when you walk out everyone will know that you got laid. Bragging rights. Woohoo.

 

Fancy yourself a stud, but it really just makes you a dirty dude.

 

 

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