Today I went to the movie ‘Savages’. It was pretty brutal and graphically violent. I started crying. But it had nothing to do with the movie. It had nothing to do with anything. Here I was watching heads being blown off and yet I still felt unhappy with my place in life….sitting in a fancy theater, in the middle of the day, not having to work. I had yogurt covered peanuts and everything. Whah!
Let me back up a bit. Recently my doctor ran away. Really, he just up and left without notice. Patients showed up for their appointments to find him gone. Too bad. I liked him and I think he is a good Dr. Whatever happened, I hope that he is well. He will be fine, I mean, after all, he is a doctor right? I will miss his ‘drive by’ prostate exams at the bars. By the way, it’s enlarged…. my prostate but I can’t think about that now.
Anyway, I finally found a new Dr and he suggested that I try to get off of my antidepressant. I’ve been taking it over 5 years since my last relationship ended. That is good advice and the same that I would give to someone. I didn’t think that I still needed it either. Well these drugs are so powerful that you have to ease into them and really ease off of them. Usually six weeks minimum to be completely in or out of your system.
Even though I’ve been taking an entry level dosage, it really hurt coming off of the drug. Headaches, dizziness and irritability topped the list of side effects. I had the occasional zombie moments but I have to admit that I enjoyed those. I like being out if it, what can I say? Maybe I’m just having a series of strokes? I figured that I just needed to get to the end and all would be fine.
I’m no stranger to depression. There’s been plenty of mental illness in my family. Maybe it would be on our coat of arms if we had one. I come from a family with a few bucks so can I call it eccentric instead of mental? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I was treated successfully long ago and thought it was behind me. At least now I am armed with knowledge and experience. After six weeks of headaches and skin crawls, that awful feeling came back. Overwhelming depression. Somehow during this low, I dragged myself to a naked foam party (it’s exactly what it sounds like). Hey, I wasn’t dead! Basic needs still had to be met. It made feeling badly feel okay for a few hours.
I only waited two weeks for it to stop before I decided to take the pills again. I started the slow reintroduction of the medicine back into me. It’s ironic that I made this decision during a movie about people killing each other over drugs. I don’t care even if it’s the placebo effect, I’m taking it. Now I have a few more weeks of side effects ahead of me. Why did I fool with it? It wasn’t broken. So here I sit… Sad and in the middle of two months of a headache. I have to go now. Take your drugs if you need them.
So here is what I got out of this…there is no reason to face life alone. That’s why god made pharmaceuticals.